My mom.even I can’t understand her..my own MMK.dramathon.

May 2, 2007

I just realized that My blogs are just a ek-ek thing. It’s like a non sense comics na puro patawa lang na walang mapupulot ang readers. It’s like a crap. That’s why i will write something that is more serious..

 

My mom  wouldn’t have a chance to read my blog naman.. because she don’t know how to use a computer.. because she didn’t even finish her college, she didn’t work din after my father married her..she’s just a plain house wife who would cook for me,my brothers and my dad. a wife who would clean the entire house. a best wife and a best father.

 

First of all. I love my mom and I still think that she's the best.

 

Well Yes. I can't understand my mom.  I don’t know much about her.. and she don’t know anything on how I feel. On what’s happening in my life.. everything. parang there’s something blocking between me and my mom. Parang may pader.(Parang may great wall of china).. madami akong hinihiling about the rel’p.. I wish she would ask me things like.. “How’s life?…may Bf ka na ba?.. kamusta ang study?..anong mga pangarap mo sa buhay..?..” anything about me…….. so I can ask back something about her.. her knowledge about me  is like a tabula rasa(empty tablet)… since tumanda na ako.. I didn’t cry in front of them.. I just lock myself in my room.. go to my bed and cry while hugging my pillow.. they don’t know anything about my problems in school and with other people..they don't know that the jolly girl is very emotional who keeps on striving to be happy. I hope that my mom would be the closest to me.kasi dalawa lang kami babae sa pamilya. I don’t have ate.. I only have 3 older brothers who are big boys,who never cried in front of me. I think that they don’t have time for problems,and being the youngest,it’s hard for me to be open with them. It’s my mom who I expect to be close with me but NO. She’s the farthest from me. And it hurts because it wasn't the rel'p that i expect..

Isa akong inggetera.. madaling mainggit. I envy my classmates who are close with their mom. Mothers who knows how to ask. Sooooo envy. mga nanay na nag checheck everyday ng note book ng anak nila. titignan yung mga update sa buhay..lahat. If I would describe my mom.. she’s a tiger, she’s a fighter,she’s thrifty, she knows how to discipline,she Cooks good food, she has a hard time showing her love, she’s patient, she’s religous, ..and a thousand good words, a thousand positive things..

I admit,The family i have right now is not the family that a normal people would wish for. There’s something about my dad that hurts me the most. Something that I don’t want to reveal, something that makes me feel ashamed that he’s my father. something that Only my brothers and my dad  know(of course).. my mom don't know anything about it. and it sucks that it feels like betraying my mom for the sake of the family.and BTW, my dad don't know that we know something bout the bad thing.yeh.shit. But I love him. As much as I love my mom. but he’s one of the closest to my heart. Yep. I’m a daddy’s girl. My dad USED TO BE perfect in my eyes.. but now, he made me lose those eyes.. but still I STILL LOVE HIM. and that's the great thing.. "HOW CAN YOU STILL LOVE A PERSON EVEN THOUGH HE HURTS YOU."  The love for my family is UNCONDITIONAL. It’s something that wouldn’t go away.

I have MANY DREAMS…. dreams that are DISCOURAGED.. and what hurts me the most is that the one who keeps on discouraging me is my mom. and it hurts. It’s like killing me. It’s one of the hardest thing that is happening to my life. Kunwari..nag form ako ng mga bagong pangarap ko.. then I’m so excited about it..(Yung feeling na  Kaya mo nang bayaran ang utang ng pilipinas!yung feeling na akala mo ikaw ang pag-asa ng marami. Yung nagniningning yung mga mata mo dahil punong puno ito ng magagandang pangarap na gustong gusto mong abutin).. tapos you’re too excited to tell everything about it to your mom.. then suddenly..she would say that YOU CAN’T REACH IT.. because your like this, and you are like that, and that.blah blah blah.I keep on singing something on my mind, I’m trying to cheat myself that I didn’t hear anything.. tapos I’ll just go straight to my room.. and cry.. Pour all the tears that I can.(ngaun.ang feeling mo..nalugi ka. Yung feeling na isang milyon ang talo mo sa sabong..yung feeling ng isang politiko na natalo kahit madami kang ginastos para sa eleksyon. Tipong gusto mo barilin lahat ng tao).. masakit na masakit. Dahil pwede nmng ibang tao ang gumawa nun. But the fact that the person who discouraged you the most is the same person that you love so much. And she is your mom.  

I’m a person who don’t have the talent. Well I can sing and dance. But my singing is just like reciting a poem.^^ and my dancing is just like moving your muscles. It’s not that good to say that I have the talent. I know I have one. Somewhere out there. But I cant search for it ryt now.. because of the same person.just like in my dreams.. a dream that is fading… discouraging a person is like a POISON.. it slowly kills a person.. it makes her weak. But.. I didn’t say that I am weak.. I am strong and too strong, and the reason behind the strengh… The same person.. It’s ironic how she can make me strong and weak at the same time huh? Yeh. she can make me strong by her sermon, teachings, love,care and many more.

My mom is not perfect, so do I. Nobody’s perfect. There’s something my mom Have that your mom don’t have. she wouldn't be a person kung lahat ay alam niya. dahil isa na siyang monster kung perfect mom siya. And it’s okay with me. I love her. And I still think that she’s the number one mom.

SHE RAISED ME WELL,of course with my dad. I would never understand the situation if she didnt raised me well.. and if she didn’t give some sermon which is like a HOMILY. Small stories that have so many lessons. Kung hindi siguro matino ang pagpapalaki sakin..nasa may Gilid na ako ng riles at may hawak na solvent.pasinghot singhot sa plastic.(pati cguro butiki. Inagawan ko na ng Moth balls!pang butiki nga ba yun? Ang engot ko talaga.)

Araw-araw tuwing pumapasok kami sa school. Handa na lahat ng gamit. Pinag tiya-tiyagaan ni mama ng ilang taon na alagaan kami. Never kami iniwan sa yaya(hindi katulad ng mga napapanood ko sa pelikula na sa sobrang busy ng parents ay nakakalimutan na nila pati birthday ng anak nila..kaya lalabas ang mga magical elements gaya ng diwata,dwende at genie para pasiyahin siya..nalipasan yata ng gutom mga writer ng ganung storya)…. At nung bata pa ako.. ang tigre na si ina,pag umiyak na ako. Ang puso niyang bato..nagiging puso na marshmallow.. napaka lambot. Mahina din xa kapag umiiyak kami noon.

 3 beses ko na nasabihan si ina ng “I LOVE YOU”..pero wala akong narinig na I love you too.. pero kahit hindi alam ni TENGA na mahal siya ni ina.. alam naman ni MATA..dahil nakikita niya.^^

MADAMI AKONG UTANG KAY MAMA. Ilang buwan niya akong inalagaan sa sinapupunan niya. Ilang buwan siyang nagtiis… ilang buwan yun. NANGANIB ANG BUHAY NI INA DAHIL SA AKIN. Hindi normal ang panganganak sakin. CESARIAN SI MAMA NUNG AKO NA(tama b spelling?).. tinanong siya ng doktor.. ano daw ba ang pipiliin niya. ANG BUHAY NIYA O BUHAY KO?.. kasi kailangan daw mamili.. ang sagot niya.. GAWIN NIYO ANG LAHAT MABUHAY LANG ANG ANAK KO.KAHIT WAG NA AKO. That’s the answer of the best mom. pero mabait si God.binigay niya kaming dalawa. Ligtas kami. Wala ako dito kung wala ang mommy ko. Hindi pa dun nagtatapos. Nagkasakit ako ng malala.pinanganak ako na may depekto..pero sa kabila ng lahat. habang nanganganib ang buhay ko,Siya ang nasa tabi ko. Napaka sipag niya. ano pa ba ang mahihiling ko.

HINDI sila ang ideal family para sa ibang tao. Pero para sa akin.SILA NA ANG IDEAL.^^  sila ang nagpakilala sakin sa aking FIRST LOVE.. si God.^^ dahil religous si mama. Lumaki ako na may paniniwala sa taas.^^ naging malakas ako dahil sa kanila. Mapagkumbaba dahil sa kanila. Nakakaintindi ako dahil din sa kanila. At ang pinagmamalaki kong personality..dahil din sa kanila… lalo na sa mga kapatid ko na lalaki. Hindi na ako maghahangad pa ng ate. Dahil naging kakaiba ang ugali ko dahil puro lalaki sila. Pero masaya ako.. kasi dadag sa personality ko na marunong ako umintindi ng lalaki..(ibawas na natin ang mga natutunan ko sa men’s magazine tulad ng maxim at FHM.haha. joke lang.)

naaliw pa ako..^^ HEAVEN.

ako ay may Lobo..

Lumipad sa langit.

di ko na nakita.. 

pumutok na pala..

sayang pera ko..

pinambili ng lobo..

Kung lalaki sana..

Naaliw pa ako.

OO nga naman,. kung lalaki na lang sana. nag enjoy ka pa.haha. Heaven.joke. yan ang makapagbagdamdamingmensahe na aking natanggap kanina sa aking pag gising.^^(tama ba? pati ako nabulol).. 

Okay. dahil ako ay isang morbid.hahaha. sinunod ko ang payo ni pareng paolo..^^ nag try nga ako na was killed naman…^^ nakakaaliw tignan.^^ 

1. Lou was killed as he served our country bravely in Iraq. …(damn.! i never knew that i'm brave!.haha. feel na feel..^^ Matagal ko nang gustong mapalapit kay saddam.. sikat kasi xa.^^ you rock.haha.)
2. Lou was killed on the afternoon of Sunday, July 9,2000, in a traffic accident …>>>kakasabi ko lang nung isang araw nung nakita ko si vandolph sa t.v… "nako,.kung ako ang girlpren niyan. hindi na ako sasabay sa kaniya kahit kelan. kambal niya ang road accident.namatay nga ung x niya sa aksidente kasama niya e.tsk tsk…(ang sama ko kay vandolph.parang sinabi ko na rin na may balat xa sa pwet.^^)
3. Lou was killed while giving flight instruction to a FAL pilot's son … (ay soxal! Flight instruction.. ang taray hah. I love it.mas gusto ko na ang mamatay sa plane crash kesa ang masaksak sa kalye.xempre. san ako magmumulto? edi sa airplane pa.soxal.para akong stewardess. araw-araw..HEAVEN.)
4. Lou who was killed at her prom…(aba. sa prom.. nako.sana kung ganun.matino yung kasayaw ko nuh. nung prom ko kasi. hindi ko man lang nakasayaw mga crush ko.amf! amf!mf!.. hindi ako naka CHANCING sa kanila.hahaha.)
5. Lou Maloney is killed by her jilted boyfriend(maloney???at least nagka bf bago mamatay..

hanggang 6 lang. wala nang nagtaka sa buhay ni lou.^^ hay. tinatamad ako mag type.. ang dami ko pa namang kwento. maxadong batugan ang fingers ko para mag type.. mag hibernate muna xa.^^ ciao. edit ko na lang pag may time.^^